Saturday, January 3, 2009
DIFUSING THE BOMB
I got up and starred at my empty bed, a place where illusions came to life, then disappeared right before my very eyes. Was it a dream? Was I delusional, inventing this phantom lover that was all in my head, even feeling so real that I believed it to be so?
Being a happy go lucky party girl, doing things my way, and liking what I do. I don't ask anyone's permission, I do what I want, like it or not. I'm the illusionist, I'm the fake, I'm the liar, I'm the one who sets the rules here, whatever makes them come back, and they all do, because they like it that way. I knew Dan was real, but whatever was in my bed only within minutes ago, if it was a dream that just left my bedroom, if it was a phantom I fucked, then that's what it is. If it comes back, I will enjoy it, and let it be whatever it may be. Dreams, illusions, thoughts, forming this man, a visitor who comes in the night, and perhaps not any different from the rest.
So I get back into my bed, and I will dream of Dan, the one who has been on my mind with mixed thoughts, telling myself he's a man who just happened to pick my apartment to come into and drop a bomb. Like my panthom, who came in and made himself real, defusing it and sorting it all out.
In a mean time, I will dream of someone real, who's above all the others, if just a little.
Being a happy go lucky party girl, doing things my way, and liking what I do. I don't ask anyone's permission, I do what I want, like it or not. I'm the illusionist, I'm the fake, I'm the liar, I'm the one who sets the rules here, whatever makes them come back, and they all do, because they like it that way. I knew Dan was real, but whatever was in my bed only within minutes ago, if it was a dream that just left my bedroom, if it was a phantom I fucked, then that's what it is. If it comes back, I will enjoy it, and let it be whatever it may be. Dreams, illusions, thoughts, forming this man, a visitor who comes in the night, and perhaps not any different from the rest.
So I get back into my bed, and I will dream of Dan, the one who has been on my mind with mixed thoughts, telling myself he's a man who just happened to pick my apartment to come into and drop a bomb. Like my panthom, who came in and made himself real, defusing it and sorting it all out.
In a mean time, I will dream of someone real, who's above all the others, if just a little.
And just then, the phone rings and it's Dan. Perfect timing. He speaks to me in a low voice, and I can tell he's still in pain, dispite the pain killers he's on. I told him I was in bed, lying there naked, and his voice starts to shake, asking me when my next visit will be. I told him I didn't know, but that my thoughts are with him and that I wanted him to get better as soon as possible. Again he think's I'm signing him off, but I tell him that couldn't be the farthest thing on my mind.
He told me they want to release him soon, and asked if he can come by when he leaves the hospital. I told him he could, and he seemed pleased by my answer.
After a our conversation, I reasure myself that I will not go see him. He can come to my apartment and see where things go from there, but I will not go there. I gaze upward, and this time, careful of not creating faces from pieces of stucco above me. I enjoy the light illuminating all around me, creating a warm glow.
It's soothing, and just then, I hear someone come in. Is it my panthom lover again? Will I chase him down like I once did? Not this time. I greet my visitor and he joins me. We're now enjoying the warm glow above us together. Is he real? Who knows. I will embrace it and enjoy the company of my visitor. Can't keep my guest waiting now, can I?
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